Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
