When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
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But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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