if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
