that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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