The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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