Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
