3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
