If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
