maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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