The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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