He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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