The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
