true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
