my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello