I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Please don't give away my fajitas
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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