I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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