Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
