I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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