I am puke
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
