when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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