get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
