I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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