i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This house was built for laser tag.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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