I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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