I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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