I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
