My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
