the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
