I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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