is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
