but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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