if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
