My liver just broke up with me...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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