hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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