The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
