Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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