I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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