Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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