I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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