My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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