mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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