the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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