he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
