It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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