A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
As shirtless as possible
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
