She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
