my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
