Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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