No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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