it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
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There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity