i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can I color on your dick again?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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