Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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