My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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