I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
