Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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