I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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