The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
